march 22, 2025 // memory

content warning: mentions of depression and suicide/self-harm

bro my memory is SO bad how did i forget that i used to scrape my own nails against my own skin for years 💀💀💀💀💀💀 i only remembered last night because i was itchy and itched my leg and went "ow this seems kinda familiar" and it came flooding back. am i stupid

it's probably a bad sign that i consider the sting of scratched flesh to be a familiar, maybe even comforting presence. i guess it's the same as being depressed lol at some point the lowest point is also the most comforting one. it's better than being dead at least. if i told someone that my having long nails is a sign i used to be severely suicidal theyd probably laugh at me. its such a silly thought if you put it that way // sol voice: i sure hope nobody asks why i know that my nail scratches fade in 2-3 hours

when i was younger, when i was far worse, my idea of a "perfect death" always had to do with heights. it was perfect because i've always been scared of heights. i don't even remember why i was afraid of heights before i was suicidal, but now i'm afraid of them because i'm worried i won't be able to stop myself from jumping. i hated going to the grand canyon. it was beautiful, but each time i got too close to the edge i could never stop the thought of "if i climbed over this tiny, tiny fence, it'd all be over" from crossing my mind. my father refused to let me buy a book on the worst grand canyon deaths, and i'm glad he did, although i was upset in the moment.

i think mostly i never wanted to die, per se, but for it to stop. i'm sure i've thought the words "god i wish my father grabbed me by the hair and bashed my head against a wall until i bled so i'd have an actually good reason for being suicidal" at some point in my life. i mean cmon. look at this idiot, she wants to die so the shouting can stop. mostly when i was a kid the best part of the "perfect death" was my father at my funeral regretting that he ever treated me poorly and my mother regretting that she never stopped him.

when my brother was born i started getting a little better. i never told anyone what was going on inside my head, but i wanted him to grow up (so my parents couldn't lie to him about what i was like) first. looking back, if he grew up and i killed myself, that would've been far more traumatizing for him than my death when he was young. it's kind of silly to believe that i only admitted i was suicidal to someone other than a close friend last year, who then immediately told my mother who cried and held me in her arms and cried more when i told her i've been like this almost as long as i can remember. i cried too, but i can't for the life of me figure out why. maybe i felt bad that i hid it from her for so long?

i actually usually scratched my upper legs so nobody would notice. the method itself of scratching was perfect for denial: the marks would fade far quicker than if inflicted by a knife. having long nails is a normal little girl trait. and even if i was caught- and i was, often- there was always the plausible deniability of having done it on accident.

you know what's funny? i didn't even start out like this. i just thought about running away at first, when i was little and hid in my bed from whoever was mad at me at the moment. but then, i told myself, it'd just continue when they forgot what it was like to lose me if only for a few hours. no, i needed something more permanent, so if they ever had another child they'd know to treat them right and not just when they felt they needed to. i suppose this rationale has followed me even to today, when i see my father acting with the same lack of care which led to me Ending Up Like This. i don't think i hate him, i just think i'm disappointed in him. you'd think that when i stopped saying "i love you" back or stopped looking at him or stopped staying in the same room as him that he'd at least try to do some introspection. and i look to my left and i see my mother being the same person she's always been, always making excuses for him. always always always always. maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks. maybe they'll just be like this forever. oh well.

march 18, 2025 // lots of fun

content warning: sappy hormonal idiot behavior

he came over on saturday. i kissed him and i quite liked it. i was really nervous. we kept on watching jacksepticeye's silent hill 2 remake video. he had to leave early, but it's okay because for some reason the pork in the sinigang tasted really really bad. i'm sad he had to leave early but i'm happy it wasn't his first experience with one of the most dishes of all time. saturday was fun.

i like him a lot a lot a lot a lot. i keep thinking about him all the time. i want to be clingier but whenever he's in the vicinity i become aware of everything i do. my breathing. my tone. my stupid jokes. frankly i dont care if i'm his little jester or whatever if it means he's laughing. is that what romantic love feels like? it feels like i'm a plant and he's the sun. i (love/adore/admire/like) his laugh. i wish i could hear it all the time. romeo has a skill issue. i bet he's never cared about juliet's laugh, how she gets all excited or quiet depending on what he does. loser.

i'm happy all that sol virus, sol blight whatever stuff is over. i intended it to be a one-off joke and even before it became a romantic rivals type situation it was becoming kinda uncomfortable. that's not anyone's fault but my own, though. i like focusing on other people more- especially him. he lights up my whole day.

guhhhh. my stomach really hurts but writing this makes me feel a little better at least. i really can't stop thinking of the noises he would make if i really did bite him, and his face if i kissed him immediately afterwards. i'm sure wanting to draw another's blood with nothing but your teeth and blind determination is normal, right? anyways i don't think this is like. a sex thing or anything similar. i just wanna see. normalize biting people... now!!!

lalalalala. my rage grows by the minute and so does my desire but we stay silly! :3c

march 1, 2025 // fun

today was fun. my brother had a dentist appointment so i got the house to myself in the morning. watched gravity falls with cereal. i intended to eat more but my appetite disappeared. texted ren a little. did my chores. brother and mom came back. did a sudoku on easy mode and it took me nearly fifteen minutes to beat. that's okay, it's my first one in a while. i worked on a homepage revamp for a little while. pesto and chicken for lunch. didn't eat a lot. cleaned up before he visited. we watched a lot of stupid ultrakill videos and jujitsu kaisen. i dont really get the plot that much but i like to watch it with him. i begrudgingly admitted that gojo is cute. i think he's cuter. something nearly happened. i wish it did. something happened. it felt really nice. ive hired these goons to stare at you. then he had to go home. i played cookie run. i really want the new pv costume but i probably wont get it, which is fine. in the span of a week ive become a purelily fan and for good reason. white lily cookie is so sweet it makes me sad when bad stuff happens to her. she deserves to blow shadow milk up forever tbh. we called and i watched him play hollow knight. it was fun. today was fun.

february 24, 2025 // aid

i want to help. im sorry. i really do- but for whatever reason i cant. because i dont know what to say. because its my fault. because i decided to say something hurtful that day. because im not allowed to leave. because all i can repeat is "im sorry" over and over and over. im sorry for apologizing, i know it's annoying. my behavior never changes and you deserve better than me, you always have.

please don't feel bad either. it's not your fault and it's not mine. it's not your fault you were born to people who should've gotten help before they decided to have children and it's not mine for being the same. i wish i could help without making it worse but not chosing which words to speak and which words to whisper is a dangerous game that we can't afford to play. i want to curl up next to you and tell you it's alright although i know it's not and i want to make you feel better. you dont deserve this, nobody does. nobody deserves this. i want to be impartial because impartiality is the father of justice yet i cannot be for the simple fact that i will listen to you first- except when my anger overcomes my mind and i briefly become the worst person in the world. it's not about me but im sorry. im sorry i said that im sorry i did that would it have made you happier or worse if we had never met at all?

you deserve your space and you deserve to be held close. im supposed to know you yet you dont know me? how do i open up? how do i spill my insides to the world? every time i speak my mind i freeze. its not the fault of those who raised me yet it is. it isn't yet it is for all of us. first five years, right? first five years mean everything. forgive me if my speech is unclear or absurd. my problems are trite in comparison. i want you to feel better. im going to disappear now

this is addressed to both of you, or neither of you, or just to me, or none of us. im sorry to bother you.

february 20, 2025 // to-do once more
  • go outside more often. heathen
  • finish noli me tangere / restart fortuna
  • restart homestuck
  • restart nge

im happy to report the things that have not reappeared from my last to-do list have been completed. i finished idw2 (sad it's over, but happy it existed at all), decided if i wanted to finish g1 (i didn't), and figured out if im 100% aro or nebularomantic (im nebularomantic gay. awesome sauce) anyways i just felt like i needed to update this. oh yeah i might revamp the homepage AGAIN dkfjlksdjflksjdflksjdf;lkjsdfljjf

february 19, 2025 // affection

GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH guys will claim "im not emotionally repressed" then stay up for 20 minutes staring at the ceiling after admitting 1 (one) thing i want. GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH GUH anyways the 3-step evil plan went off pretty well, i'd say. only downside was being out of it for a third of spanish but it wasn't too bad. my groupmates helped cover. the thing im most worried about is my english presentation because frankly im not sure if my groupmates there managed to write scripts without chatgpt. sigh.

to note: the only other time i've written the words "em*tionally r*pressed" is when i was talking about cyclonus mtmte. UGH

february 13, 2025 // quote

"None of us remembers who we were pre-Christianity and pre-colonisation. We are all pulling at little pieces of the past that we call African culture, and trying to sew together a heritage." -Arya Jeipea Karijo

ah. i get that. <- filipino

"For me, this search is more than an anthropological interest. It's because I am a transgender person. And in my country, transgender people like me are referred to as a foreign concept, as "unAfrican... Others say that we have no place in the Christian "Kingdom of God.""

yeah...

february 6, 2025 // chronic layout disease IV (i think)

we are so back chat i redid the homepage again and also i convinced him to play hollow knight and fun things are happening : ) im probably gonna rename this solstice as the "highest point of the sun" i.e, my (suppose, for but a moment, that since my name is sol i am the metaphorical sun) highest point (a place where i can be completely myself). sol.nekoweb.org is still something i have an eye on, but still... i could always use the url for something else.

it's kinda shocking to me that people in the nekoweb server, y'know, actually plan their websites out. they do "design passes" and everything. for me, I just. make stuff. this redesign is purple because i like purple. (the purplerrrrr)

today in general was pretty neat. i pulled dark cacao cookie and ascended him, so now he has a cool new outfit and a stronger attack. i want sea fairy's rippling moonlight outfit so bad but i am perpetually unlucky with the outfit gacha.

ghhHHHFHFFfhdjfksdfhsdf hollow kngiht

february 5, 2025 // chronic layout disease III (i think)

seriously considering renaming this to solaire or solstice. once i decide it's over for you

january 27, 2025 // fear and identity

im a boy, probably. im just some guy and i always have been. im of the height you'd expect a person like me to have and i have the hair color you'd expect a person like me to have and i have the eye color you'd expect a person like me to have and so on until eternity.

i used to have anxiety. never got diagnosed, but i probably had generalized anxiety disorder. ive been getting better (read: when i start down a spiral i stop and go "that literally wont even happen" and move on) but recently theres been a lot more to worry about. politics. family. friends. politics. i worry about the radicalization of my peers and the radicalization of my parents. i care, i think. i care very deeply about those around me and it hurts when it turns out they dont care back. i dont think ill ever forget when i asked those around me, "you know politicians can lie, right?" and they replied with several seconds of silence and a blank stare. then they started parroting transphobic rhetoric as i realized that this was not a safe place for me and never was.

my parents mean a lot to me. i dont think i know what love is. everyone around me acts like it's a big, important thing but i dont know what it is. can it be defined? can it be held? can i eat it? can i destroy it? forgive me if my speech is unclear or absurd. i have little experience in this regard. they say they love me yet they deny my autonomy, my right to be who i want to be- is that love? i think people can love you and hurt you. they want the best for me but they refuse me the chance to try and to fail. my mother awknowledges she coddled me too much as a child yet continues to do so now. she is human. i am human. we make mistakes and do not learn. i am made from her and my father but i dont ever want to become either of them. i used to worry id end up exactly as her. now i worry ill end up exactly as him.

my entire being is shaped from experiences and so is yours. how do i define myself, my indentity, if i have forgotten all that ive known? im a fish swimming downstream despite the fact that i have seen countless versions of myself go and drown and drown and drown. i never learn from my mistakes and i never will.

im a boy, probably, but even if im not, ill never forget that nobody let me try.

january 24, 2025 // we're sack (sol back)

funny thing is as soon as i got a bf i stopped being on that coding grindset. i mean what

idk if i can call him my bf yet but im so . excited becausei technically have dated people before ive just never. gotten so excited. i like him a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot...

thats not to say my previous relationships didnt bring me joy, rather that this one is different somehow ? i think it's not platonic in the ways ive dated people before ohhh my god im so jittery when i said i liked him mybones stopped being able to move and i could barely throw long cat around. (IMPORTANT DETAIL)

you know wgats not makign matters better is that my parents are at the stage where they bother me about dating and MY FACE TURNED RED WHEN MY MOM BROUGHT HIM UP. its joever...............

anyways he said i can read him transformers :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

january 15, 2025

chronic layout disease is real and haunts me

january 13, 2025

to do

  • start going outside more often
  • finish idw2
  • decide if you want to finish g1
  • restart fortuna
  • restart homestuck
  • restart neon genesis evangelion
  • figure out if youre 100% aro or just nebularomantic
january 10, 2025

it's friday.

a lot of stuff has happened this week. i guess i should start from the beginning as it'll get my thoughts in order.

i joked about sol points with my friends from middle school on monday and briefly mentioned it to another friend on tuesday. let's call him b. my friends, s and g, are in my server which is for irls only. b is also in this server. i say that reading transformers will net at least 500 sol points. i turn my phone off and go to bed.

the next morning there are messages of g and b fighting over who has more sol points. to me it seems like we are doing a Fun Bit and i join in. g reveals he read transformers late into the night, and while i don't condone skipping out on sleep, it's not like i can talk. i'm also very happy that one of my friends has gotten interested in transformers.

timeskip to thursday morning. the sol essay dropped wednesday night. i read it. at this point i'm starting to question if this is just a Fun Bit.

timeskip to today, just before fourth period. i check my discord. a screenshot's loading in.

oh my god

oh, my god.

me and b talked about it during lunch. the conversation was really awkward. i didn't know what to say at all. everything's different now but i still want to be friends but i dont want to "lead him on" AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH why do i have to be so bad at talking and why does my face always smile when i dont want it to and why cant i EVER just be normal about anything. guhhhhhhhh

everythings different now and i dont know how to get it back to normal

i shouldnt have started the conversation i shouldve just done what i always do: pretend it didnt happen it works with my parents why wouldnt it have worked for this

i shouldnt have remarked on his spelling it was the worst possible thing tosay

jan 2, 2025

it is the new year and look at us. im writing this curled up next to my blahaj so lovingly named mr sharkie and you're reading some freak online's blog post. don't take my word for it though, let's look through all the freaky stuff i did in 2024, like... get into transformers. and get a gf (didn't last long) (we weren't really romantic in the first place) (we're still best friends and i think she's super cool im just not calling her my gf anymore). and have a breakdown first week of school about how i feel all i am is my grades. y'know, all that freaky sstuff. okay fine im just a normal guy whatever. i guess you (singular reader) can have my new year's resolutions. if it's crossed out it means i win btw

  • draw gabriel in a maid outfit
  • learn to draw hands (nearing the second year i've put it off in a row)
  • figure css animations out because they look cool
  • convince my "loyal subjects" to reelect me as mayor of torment town firing missiles at each other over who has more sol points counts right
  • add comments to blog posts

i don't really feel like i grew as a person in 2024. did i? did i just not notice it? kinda weird to think about; i'll ask my friends and family if they saw me change. man. this year was my 15th birthday which is crazy. i feel so weird. that's only three years away from 18. now i have to learn to drive and everything <- american WELL WHATEVER i just failed my english short answer finals and im not stressed about that appearing on my college transcript at all lol

incredibly short and stupid article, i know. now imagine being the guy who had to write it (your brain explodes)

december 31, 2024

originally this had a stupidly long intro but basically i keep wondering if im really trans or if im just faking it. like am i stupid? if im just faking it why am i putting myself through the heartache and the fear and the worry of having to tread slowly around every new person i meet wondering if i tell them "i'm a guy" they'll look at me differently or crying myself to sleep about how my parents will never see me as anything other than a daughter.

"anything other than a daughter." that specific wording is important to me because my parents arent really "bad" people in my opinion. i'd like to think nobody is. they're not exactly consciously sexist, but for me it doesn't matter if they're being aware of it or not. they're still acting as though having leg or miniscule amounts of facial hair will ruin me forever. make me infinitely unwantable to anyone who would theoretically want me. being a son would make me worse, intentionally sinful in their eyes, for rejecting the perfect feminine body so graciously given to me by the Lord. ("kind of like transformers," a tiny voice in my brain says before i squish it flat. can this idot get any worse)

evenif i weren't actively avoiding the question of my faith i guess i see why my parents don't want me to be trans. after all, there's no mention of it in the bible. the bible, which condones slavery. the bible, which says there were only two humans at the beginning and everything was great before a snake ruined it all. yippee.

sigh. i don't think i can finish this article tbh.

december 26, 2024

this is kinda related to my tragic case of chronic layout disease, but here goes sol trying to make sense of his brain once more. take everything in here and more with at least enough salt to kill a snail.

i used to chase after having the "best" pixel font a lot when trying to remake my website. it just looked cool, i reasoned. the first font i had on my website, after web defaults, of course, was VCR OSD Mono, or "the Ultrakill font." crazy. back then it actually made sense for my website to be called ultrakill on the nekoweb dot org, although if you read the about page you'd know this website didn't start off as ultrakill, but that's a story for another time.

my website also was made in flexbox (crazy. known flexbox hater sol used it long ago...) and was horrible and not mobile accessible + not anyone on a big computer screen accessible. it was a simple thing with a marquee at the top, three columns, and a few random things below it. i literally cannot remember how i pulled that off to be honest but what ever. it looked cool to me, but too simple. i wanted more, so i bounced around image borders for a while but now i've come back to the humble border:1px solid black;

there are a few wuestions that drove me to begin writing this. what is minimalism? what separates the aesthetics of the indie web from the aesthetics of the corporate web? is nostalgia inherently bad? is there such a thing as "too" individual on the indie web? and other pretentious nonsense. idk maybe im just shocked at someone writing multiple blog posts calling others slurs when i thought, y'know, isn't this thing about community in the end. but the people on nekoweb don't owe me anything and i don't owe them anything, but man do i wish i wouldn't get shouted down in the server for asking others to maybe not use eugenicist language. what ever who even cares (<- he does) (this happened weeks ago) "i took a class on eugenics" okay and did you grasp the concept that it's not something we should mimic or...? okay sorry enough whining

is simpler bad or good? i guess it depends. everything depends on everything depending on everything else depending on everything. for me i want simpler because it's less visually cluttering and you as the reader can focus on the actual living, breathing soul of the page: the text. i suck at consistency though sorry chat my index + home + about + blog + actual blog posts all look different and don't even get me started on the fandom pages.

everyone is their own individual person, i'm not trying to say we're not. maybe ijust think that at some point if you being "different" is just because you think saying the direct opposite to what someone else is saying then you're not being individual you're being awful and annoying. i lied im not done complaining yet cause like okay you said sorry do we grasp the concept of why playing devil's advocate when talking about serious issues is maybe. hmmmmm. maybe it's not very nice? and i understand i took the L when we were having that funny silly dark humor conversation so yeah! i wont bother you about it anymore! i just think it's messed up that 1. we have to live in a world where joking about it can either be mocking the perpetrators or the victims and it's legitimately hard to tell! and 2. that it even happens often enough that it's a funny topic. to joke about. dkfjksdjfkdfjkdkf haha i love it when the world feels it's actively collapsing around me (<- freshman)

it was simpler back then, wasn't it? i don't know. my childhood was probably extremely boring for most second-gen asian kids. my parents had to work a lot and they couldn't really afford to bring me to extracurriculars, so the highlights of being an elementary schooler were mainly watching shows on netflix and attempting to create a "cat club." she was such a sweet kid. too bad she's dead hash tag transgenderism but yeah! it would have been simpler if i was the same person forever, if i didn't grow up, if i didn't start seeing the world for what it is. am i an optimist? not really. i don't feel like the future's bright, and certainly not my future. i'm not good at anything at all, really. i don't have an eye for design, i can't draw very well, i suck at literary analysis, and if i'm decent at math??? who cares? ai will do that!! god i can't wait for the ai bubble to pop it took like 5 years off my lifespan. am i a nihilist? not really. even if the far future seems scary i do somehow have friends- people who tolerate me even when i'm literally being the worstest person in the world (experiencing Male Hysteria) or whining (turns me evil).

not sure how to end this one either. i guess the true pixel font discussion was the blog post i wrote along the way.

december 18, 2024

to preface: reading all* of tfidw in a month may have scrambled my memories just a little tiny bit, so there may be... incorrect information. do not take my word as law (although i doubt anyone was in the first place) and beware of spoilers!!! i relied on this and this reading list on my idw journey, switching to the second when the first just . dropped off in the middle, and i know the second also doesn't finish idw as well, i think it's all i can take for now

anyways. reading this continuity was an emotional rollercoaster- one with many lows, a few highs, and a fair amount of times i went "that isn't good." this is all stream-of-conciousness, by the way. it wouldn't be a certified sol blog if not! let's start with a classic: unordered list of my favorite characters off the top of my head. if you've met me even once, irl or in the discord server, i'm sure you can guess who i think of first.

  • starscream, ex-mayor of vos (canon!) the most fascinating little guy imo... i keep thinking of his character arc (or lack therof) when im supposed to be going to sleep early (it is finals week) (i refuse to study). tee bee aech i am kind of disappointed with how his relationship with megatron turned out... okay i guess it went badly! how did this affect them?? it's brought up like thrice in the starscream-centric comics and like. five million years of abuse and he doesn't get closure? and his death made me go "what" because he literally just went selfish again and now he's not now that the gang's all back together? come on now. it is also possible all my analysis is empty prose, i am just a pretentious high schooler, etc.
  • megatron, ex-miner. oh boy where do i even start with this guy. uhhh megastar beam go as previously mentioned i dislike how his and starscream's relationship is simplified so much when idw seems to expand on so many other aspects. like they managed to make megop of all things viable through The Conversation (i will never stop thinking about The Conversation) but no the guy and his second will never make any sense nooooo. i take great interest in how idw treats "redemption" honestly, especially with the fool's energon reveal. it was so obvious in hindsight and i feel like it did a lot for his character. ALSO him wanting to become a medic??? i need to lie down this makes. so much sense. lost light ending is so inch resting because what deos optimus think of this ?? (probably answered in the rest of idw which i have not read yet but what ever)
  • misfire, ex... something. he is so silly. i love his relationship with the scavengers and although they're just side characters, i think he and the others kind of come into their own and get closer in the few issues where they're prominently featured. i haven't found any yet but a post-lost light miniseries of the scavengers' interactions' with megatron, ultra magnus, etc, would be super cool :D
    the reveal where he's actually kind of a good shot was so cathartic... you really showed em my boy

honorable mentions include windblade, knock out, and riptide, because i find them fun. the concept of cityspeaking is super cool tee bee aech, knock out was my second favorite character in transformers prime (the first tf media i consumed as a teenager after the bayverse movies) (guess who the first is), and honestly riptide is just neat. we need more shark characters in everything forever. thats my hot take of the day

crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room. a room where megatron and starscream's relationship kept being as interesting in the rest of the comics as they were in all hail megatron. i can see why it's the recommended starting point (as someone who started before it) because it really is good and honestly it has the furthest-reaching implications in terms of the story at large.

genuinely still cannot get over the fact that they invented cybertronian gender for arcee and for arcee alone. this is like when i was a kid and thought there was something wrong with me because i didn't want to wear skirts. although i am happy that in mtmte/lost light the writers looked back and went "we should do something about this" and made, y'know, non-weird trans rep (anode and lug t4t lesbians!! yippee!!) also i will never shut up about how if bluestreak and cyclonus interacted with humans for more than an hour on a day where the universe doesn't hang in the balance they'd realize they r women; this is based on their holoforms being women despite presenting masculinely (for cybertronians, anyways) and using he/him pronouns. cyclonus is literally me though like imagine being so emotionally repressed you harm yourself instead of telling the person you care about how you feel 🤣🤣🤣

brainstorm is too silly to die

rodimus and brainstorm being br*t*sh is diss gustting... i cant believe the writers would validate br*ts like this... clearly thay dont deserve anything !! but tbh its cool how they slipped those little hints in :) accents are a bit hard to convey through plain text so i will be takning notes for the future

the decepticon justice division is immensely splinky and here's why

  • tarn, who is weirdly affectionate with his crew at some times and kills them at others. mechs when they find themselves simply equal to that what they hated all along:
  • THE PET. by god the pet i will NEVER stop thinking about the pet i will never RECOVER from the pet i will never stop wishing things turned out BETTER for the pet. falls over

anyways READ TRANSFORMERS!!! i know this was a Nothing Article but it's a solblog what did you expect