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dec 2, '24

as of yesterday, at technically 6:00pm, i turned fifteen years of age. which is kinda crazy innit. looks like this freak survived yet another year. and it feels exactly the same. maybe it's just because it's literally been a day but there is no noticable difference than when i was fourteen other than there being 100 more dollars in my posession. thank you pookie.

went to the doctor today. they kept calling me young lady, miss, etc. one of the sections on the teen response form was addressed to young women only, but i filled it out anyways because to the eyes of the world at large, i am that young woman. also it was about menstrual health and i kinda need to keep an eye on that. also got my ear cleaned out and everything sounds so much louder now. the hum of the lights in the doctor's office. the clicking of the keys i am typing with now. my brother, who i love dearly, shouting to my father across a waiting room. i guess i'm still in a state of shock of sorts.

fifteen is a good number; it's a multiple of five. i like fives and i like odd numbers. when i turn the volume up i like to have it at nine, eleven, thirteen, fifteen or seventeen. i liked transformers one (as previously mentioned on this blog). also i have extra thoughts on it now that i've rewatched it twice, bringing the total tfone views to a whopping three. the second time was from watching it on the night of thanksgiving with my mom and the third was from watching it the next morning with my father. they liked it. (born mid 70's, therefore the exact age demographic that g1 was aimed at.) my previous review mentioned how d-16 didn't explicitly rename himself megatron and that was wrong, i was too busy goofing off with my friends and i guess i missed it. i'm not editing that part because honestly if i want this blog/journal/diary thing to be as "authentic" as possible it has got to stay stream-of-conciousness because what am i if not a guy who goes over the grooves in my brain over and over and over again.

back to my doctor's visit; apparently i was pretty underweight for my age when i was ten and under. crazy. my ribcage also used to show prominently through my chest and my mom worried about it a lot. you can actually still see the bottom few if you look hard enough, which you won't, because the only person who can see that is me. i also got my blood drawn for anemia reasons, to clarify: i do have an iron deficiency. i take iron supplements for it. if i don't take 'em i get tired and snappish. my doctor just wanted to double check. i know christmas i coming up but damn do i want steak rn auuauahuahajhajhajgjgghuhfj

i gotta revamp this blog's code dude. add dark mode. fix the weird text outlines. now that i've learned a little about mobile responsiveness, i should add that in too.

ok guys hear me out Sentinel Prime. i couldn't fix him but i would hold it over his head that i, a tiny little human, would never do something as stupid and power-hungry as kill the Primes and try and take the Matrix of Leadership. the scene where he's backing away in fear made me go hmmmm because if we're being honest although starscream is my all-time transformers silly, SP in tfone has more screen time and is, as shown, more awful. and i am nothing if not a guy who wants to worm his way into the minds of those who are cruel.

also I NEED TO ADD COMMENTS RAHHHHHHHH

nov 18, '24

so yeah i guess im on my period lol lmao i love owning a uterus which only seems to want to destroy all my relationships and my identity. had an argument with more than one nekowebber (i was not referring to only you when i said 'they,' sorry.) about why they shouldn't call people degenerates and it went poorly. i just don't have to hold respect for people i don't like so i wont :D

my mom told me yesterday that i'm too easily angered and honestly sure i am maybe i don't want to hold a conversation with a woman who can't even gender me correctly or makes up millions of excuses why i shouldn't be allowed to have short hair. maybe i don't have to tolerate her but also she's my mom and she feeds me and she gave birth to me so i don't know what to do.

there's a possibility i'm literally just faking it. and im secretly actually a cis neurotypical girl who just needs to shut up and focus on her schoolwork. like would that fix me or am i the correct one and what would actually help would be a fucking haircut and a binder. speaking of haircuts i had a dream that my mom let me get one and i was so happy i cried in-dream and it looked great and then i woke up 😁 and then i told my mom and she laughed at me.

i saw ducks on the way back from school which made me feel a little better but tee bee aech for now i'm just gonna try and suck it up.

nov 13, '24

so, now's the time to talk about my absolutely horrible illness. chronic layout disease, as i like to call it, isn't really a disease but more of my constant urge to change my entire website layout. before it was easy, now it's hard. it doesn't feel like any of the new homepages i've made so far are like. good. at all. i love viscera on nekoweb and i want mine to be ?similar? but not the same, if that makes sense. i do like the webmaster's recent stained-glass-catholic-guilt thingy as of right now. viscera is a beautiful name for a baby boy.

but yeah. i've tried 6-2 // AESTHETICS OF HATE before and it looked kinda bad tbh. should i go back? it's my site, after all, nobody can tell me what to do with it, but also i don't like red that much despite appreciation for its striking hues, and honestly i prefer ourple. ourple is a good color but for a lot of people, including me, it just kinda looks. edgy? not that edgy is a bad thing, it's just not really what i think would make sense for my website. my emo phase has been over since sixth grade.

i want it cutesy but also you get the feeling that the webmaster Has Feelings About The Aesthetic He's Using(?) like yeah i guess i do have protestant guilt and stuff or whatever. i had an argument with my mom this morning, if it can be called that. more like i snapped at her after being told what to do twice in a minute and she took that to mean me and my brother are entitled brats and she shouldn't be treated like a maid. i don't think she should be treated like a maid, but honestly, if i told her that she wouldn't believe me. i know this comes off as typical teenage whining but honestly? i do not care about that.

it feels like since i was a little kid my parents have been pressuring me to hide what little emotion i show them. irritation over being told for the fifth time this week to put my chromebook away when i was checking for club emails, irritation over being reminded to eat (i'm not four), frustration for being told not to cry, mocking me for the things i like, reminding me (as if i didn't know) that i shouldn't believe everything i read (as if they don't believe a 2,000 year old book will grant them eternal life?), etc and so on and so forth. and when i decide i don't want to hang out with my parents they whine and cry about how i don't love them anymore and how i've replaced them with my friends. okay buddy, have you considered that maybe telling your kid that "she" shouldn't waste "her" perfect feminine body because god so graciously gave it to "her" when he tries to come out to you might've fucked your relationship over? maybe he doesn't want to debate with you about how no, he doesn't believe in a good, nice, perfect god after witnessing you be excited over the destruction of an entire people because "it means the 'rapture' is coming soon."

you, the reader, may have noticed i titled this one "chronic layout disease I." this is because i do not think this'll be the last time i complain about my mind runnething over with ideas. so much stuff i wanna do today... add comments to blog posts, remake homepage, figure out how to absorb others' minds into my own, make all new files in phcode start of with 2-space tabs, convince frg (short for something which i will not disclose) to watch dungeon meshi... so yeah.

i don't know what i'm going to do now.

nov 10, '24

you might be surprised, but there's spoilers in this thing!! beware!!

the 7.5/10 rating on imdb worried me, but i prevailed after seeing a spoiler about megastar. transformers one, the movie which i cared enough about to wait to release on streaming services but not enough to watch in theaters. after the aforementioned megastar-themed spoiler, i told my friends that we should watch it together and they agreed. just a few days before our meetup i actually looked up if it was actually still in theaters and lo and behold, it was not. luckily we were able to change plans and meet at my gf's place to watch on a streaming service instead, which i find kinda funny.

after some normal stuff, like buying the movie on amazon prime for like $14 dollars i think and making popcorn, we sat down on the couch at 3pm and started the movie. it started with optimu- i mean orion pax breaking into the archives, which was a surprise to me, considering in most tf iterations, orion pax is a librarian, meaning he shouldn't have to break into the archives, but it mattered not. another thing i found surprising was how deep his voice was. small things, i know, but good things i thought about the ~first five minutes were:

1. amazing graphics oh my god they were so good i loved the chase sequence
2. setting up D-16's love for Megatronus with the sticker and foreshadowing how the Decepticon insignia came to be
3. elita-1 (elita-1)

obviously there was some more good stuff, like how my question of "how did the surface get dirted?" was actually answered in the movie and how, much like the bayverse, Sentinel Prime is a dirty traitor. also me and my friends were surprised when at the end Michael Bay was there, so I guess that makes sense with his portrayal. Sentinel's design is so good, and... well. all of the designs are good, in my opinion. i like how recent tf media has realized that most people generally prefer the old designs and just go with those with slight upgrades, because come on, Sentinel's sun-themed wings are sick as hell.

remember what i said about megastar earlier? you may be surprised, but starscream is my favorite character. not that it's related to anything but i had to take my sweatshirt off when he appeared i think it's a little silly how him, soundwave, shockwave, and the seekers got relegated to "high guards" despite. well. there not being any reason for there to be high guards in this iteration. no council, no other primes, and it doesn't seem like there's any other cities here than Iacon. starscream usually hails from Vos, and he's usually a prince, so yeah, i think it's funny that he's the leader of the high guard in tfone.

also the D-16 choking starscream scene was so. erm not to be shipping-brained but toxic yaoi real. obviously D-16/Orion Pax is toxic yaoi but oh my god when the camera cut back to Orion as D-16 was doing the thing... damn. and starscream started just. telling him to do it harder?? okay freakscream...

the fusion cannon was actually crazy though. like... i guess they match each other's freak. sorry i think this effect is funny. also speaking of megastar. i like how they didn't have D-16 explicitly rename himself Megatronus -> Megatron in the movie as that's implied at the end without him like. saying it. i also think it's interesting that they brought a new spin on his character with the Megatronus thingy. usually, Megatronus is the traitor, but Sentinel is instead. it lines up with how D-16 is the rule-follower and how he idolizes the primes and how his entire system of morality kinda falls apart after he learns about Sentinel's betrayal, unlike how in most iterations he becomes Megatron because he wants to defy the primes.

this actually makes tfone's D-16 a lot like Hollyleaf Warriors- [gets shot and dies] okay but you know what i mean though. rule-followers to a fault, they lose their minds and start killing when the system falls apart right in front of them due to people they respected being rule-breakers all along. does this mean Orion Pax is lionblaze.

so yeah i liked tfone a lot and that's why. i don't do media analysis because i am stupid btw. sol out

nov 7, '24

freaked out this morning because i had a C in english (see yesterday's blog about me checking my grades) but it turns out my teacher just didn't grade my final draft lol. note to self: don't make a bunch of fancy tabs in the future because they can't be viewed in google classroom.

i've created a to-do table on what i want to do with my blog and website today.

blog stuff	general website stuff
sort months into summary/detail elements	do i remake the entire layout... now that's the question....
upload bg image + font to nekoweb. i have a lot of storage, might as well use it	figure out how tables work??? i only managed this through w3schools tbh

tbh i have no idea if i'm even gonna finish any of it today, or even finish at all, but i do agree that web design is actually kinda fun if you don't know what you're doing. rare sol agreeing with tm for once, real shocker.

it's a three-day weekend this week, since we have monday off for veteran's day, i think. excited to watch tfone with my friends this saturday :D

we watched coco entirely in spanish today, it was pretty cool and now i get to hold this over my dad's head (it's his favorite movie) (i got to watch it and he didn't) (i think it's his favorite because of the intergenerational trauma but we'll talk about that later)

i ended up doing none of the things on my table because i was too busy trying to figure out how to add my font to status.cafe lmao. file.garden my beloved, always there to save the day.

i did add a box-shadow to this, which looks terrible on the sidebar, but at least i'm trying something new for once. i like how on my main site, it's all nighttime webcore or whatever and here it's just. idk. purple clouds. i like the contrast.

checked "the divine comedy" out at the library today! super excited to get through all 900+ pages of ooey gooey classic literature goodness, although my mother fears i believe everything i read because she does (christian). that's not a slight on all christians, if you're wondering, just me disliking the concept of believing an old book because it says if you don't you'll go to "the bad place" after you die. spoooky... it is funny when she starts defrosting nov 1 though. i don't like christianity but i do enjoy wintertime festivities, if that makes sense.

ending this here because i need to eat dinner. remember to give your images alt tags kids...

nov 6, '24

election fever's been running high as of late. found out my lunchmates have fallen for trump's propoganda despite all being girls of color. might've said a few swear words and freaked out as they started parroting transphobic talking points, but what ever. cried a bit as i walked to math, but i still think i did okay on the test.

at least i made my friend (emphasis on friend) a template for his shrine. i'm quite proud of it too. i've also decided to go sit with him at lunch tomorrow to try it out and let the dust settle from my previous lunch group.

one of my friends (?) kind of freaked out when i started talking about my friend. i think he's worried i'm going to replace him and my gf, but even if i make new friends, they're always going to be my friends too. it's not a zero-sum game... although i understand the worry, having felt it myself in the past.

carpet by toby fox is actually pretty good. my brother likes it too, which is a real shocker given he doesn't usually like anything i like.

i like this font. i think i'm gonna switch most of what i have over to it because it's everything i've ever wanted in a pixel font, tbh. cute and clearly pixelated...

pciv is actually so good though. i grow ever fonder day by day, even if it is, in my own words, "so stupid it loops around to being good again."

i haven't checked my grades in a while, so i should probably do that tomorrow morning (it's past 10 as i write.) don't worry, i'm aware grades aren't everything, but they are at the very least important. kinda hard to believe when i'm a senior, i'll have to go through all this again, and that time i'll get a say in it. i hope things don't go too badly to shit for us in the next few years.

i'll admit i'm frustrated with the people advocating not to vote, but i know there weren't enough of them to make a sizable difference. i know if people my age were allowed to, we probably wouldn't, despite politics influencing everything in our lives because "they aren't that into politics." at a point it becomes less ignorance and more not wanting to see the real world for what it is, although i don't really want to be the one to tell my peers that. they won't respect me now and they won't respect me later.

who i should be upset with is clearly the red voter. they're the group that used their vote to harm, after all. i shouldn't be hitting my own side with a stick if the other side's got a bigger one, or whatever.

made a custom template for him... it's joever.